To have and to hold
by ercarterfan
Summary: Continuation of Listen to your dreams, Anna finds herself seeking approval in all the wrong place, blood is thicker than water, but sometimes family isn't. Can she overcome the horrors that were her life and move onward finding happiness. Carter and Doug
1. Default Chapter

_A/N: This is a continuation of Listen to your dreams. Sorry can't say that it's going to be a Carby but at this point I have intentions of making it that way. This is the story of the picking up of her life and finding happiness and a search for approval that she can't find from those who matter most._

_**Too have and to hold**_

**Chapter One: _Home_**

This was the place where she had been born and raised, where she had seen the changing of the seasons for so many years. This was no longer the place that she had called home and she was here on just a short brief visit. Her home now laid several thousand miles away, across the county, where she had fled so long ago to escape a brutal relationship. One that if she hadn't of gotten out of it would have been her demise. With the help of her friends, she had been able to get away from it all. Granted she could have returned after his untimely death, one that she honestly couldn't say that she was unhappy that it had occurred, but his death had secured her life, her ability to live freely once more.

She had left behind the rain, for sun filled skies, more familiar places, yet those places seemed so far away, as if she was now an outsider looking in. That was exactly how she felt right now. Her eyes fell upon the glowing faces of her seven younger brothers, she had been the oldest of eight and now here they were all gathered to say goodbye to the one man that they had come to love, the one man that they all loved.

These seven she would have given anything to protect, for she loved them almost as much as she loved life itself. They were her family and if there was one thing that their old man had managed to teach them, it was the value of family. They were the only people that in life you could ever fully believe in, they would be the ones who would unconditionally be there for you no matter what you did or who you became.

Right now that all seemed more like hot air that had been blow at them, a value that needed to be instilled upon small children but never practiced by adults. She had never felt a chill like the one that she was getting today. Surely, after all that they knew, they couldn't hold her having to move against her, could they? But yet they all seemed to in one way or another and she felt as if she would never be able to be close, as close, as she had been to them again. That in doing what she had to do, to protect herself, to protect them; she had once again become a victim.

The words of the priest went in one ear and out the other in a way. While she was somewhat focused upon the words that he was saying, she was in other ways focused upon those who were around her. Nothing was ever going to be this same and this was a cold hard fact of reality that she was going to have to come to accept. She had been raised to be strong-willed, independent, to not rely on others to get what she wanted in life, but standing her, she wished that wasn't the person who she was, for she needed those seven as much as they needed her.

"Anna, it's your turn." She heard her name and instantly knew what she was needed now to do, part of the job of being the eldest. While one of the older boys could have done this, she felt that it was her responsibility and that she was the one who needed to do it. Silently with out saying anything in response just yet, she stood and moved to the front of the small church where many had gathered to say goodbye to her father.

"What more can I say about my father that hasn't already been said." She started to slowly speak now to the gathered crowd, her eyes drifting over her family, their friends, many relatives whom she hadn't had contact with since she had left Philadelphia so long ago. "I was proud to be his daughter; my father was a great man who showed great patients and love to his children. We were blessed to have him in our lives as I know he had always consider his family his greatest blessing."

Anna continue on about what a wonderful man her father had been, what he had meant to them all, how greatly he would be missed. She didn't realize how hard it was going to be to keep her eyes dry as she spoke and how she wished that she had allowed Keith to accompany her on this trip. He had told her that he would take the time off from work, but she thought that it would be best, if her father's funeral was not the place where she introduced him to her family and by that she meant her extended family. She had more relatives than she could even know about it. She had been born into an Italian family, a very large Italian family and while there was no shame, she had no shame in that, they could all be rather overwhelming at times and Anna knew that.

There was Michael, Nicholas, David, Peter, Joseph, Marcus, and Dante. In that order, the seven made up her younger brothers. She was the oldest by seven years. Michael had just celebrated his twenty-ninth birthday with his wife Natasha and there two children, Patrick and Dustin. He was a lawyer who lived and practice in Philadelphia. Then there was Nicholas who was twenty-seven thin with dark hair and matching dark brooding eyes, he was the terror of the family and few knew what he actually did. David was twenty-five; well rounded, grounded you could say he worked for Social Services. Peter, he was like Anna, well in some ways, he had followed more in their step-mother's shoes becoming a surgeon at a prestigious Philadelphia hospital. Joseph was twenty four and still in college, Marcus had just turned twenty-one and in college as well as twenty year old Dante. It was Dante that Anna had always been the closest to, even with the large age gap that was between them; he was her baby brother, the one that she would always be on the prowl to protect, even if he didn't think that he needed it.

She finished saying what she needed to say about her father, something that she needed to do to bring closure and peace to her own mind. While she never looked her step-mother in the face, she couldn't have brought herself to do that. Anna had lost her own mother when she was just sixteen years old. Shortly after her youngest brother was born due to complications from his birth. Anna had never blamed him, she knew that it wasn't his fault, and she couldn't bring herself to ever think badly of her baby brother.

After the conclusion of the service they headed back to the family home. While it had been her home growing up, it just didn't seem the same. She took the scotch that was being passed around before she started to wander somewhat around the house again. Her room was not the way she had left it, for one of her brother's claimed the spot as his own when she left the nest. She had to smile though as she glanced upon the many pictures that adorned the walls of the old home. Happy memories they brought back, of the times growing up with so many people around.

"Hey big sis." A voice called snapping her from those very happy remembrances.

She turned around to see who the voice belonged to, although she had a pretty good idea of who it belonged to, "well, well hey yourself baby brother."

There was only one of the seven that Anna would ever call her baby brother and that was Dante, and that was mostly due to the fact that he couldn't get out of the role of being her baby brother. Any one of the other seven would have tried to take her out if she called them that. They were a tough brood and were always trying to move up the pecking order in the house.

"You holding up okay there?" He asked slipping his older sister into a hug, "big tough Anna."

"Watch it there or I might have to knocks ya down a few notches there." She said putting something that resembled a smile upon her face even with as emotionally draining as the day had been she would always have a smile for him.

"Yeah you would never do that one. In all my twenty years you have never even raised a fist against me, why's would you start now?"

"Because you are no longer a freckled face baby that I had to worry about getting beat up by the other six members of this family." Anna said, "besides what sister would beat up on a brother who was sixteen years younger than she was. I was practically out of the house before you were out of diapers. I'm sure your girlfriend would appreciate that cute baby butt of yours."

"Oh that's low miss Anna." He said back to her with his bright smile.

"Yeah well," Anna said trying to still smile back at him. "I never did play fair when it came to you boys."

"When are you going back to Seattle?" He asked giving her those baby eyes of his.

"Tomorrow, I've been gone about as long as I can be. I mean I know it's rather rude and abrupt of me to leave so soon, but mom has you guys you don't need me." Anna said responding to his question.

"Don't be too sure about that." He said back to her.

"Oh please." Anna said crossing her arms over her chest, "the only thing colder than the response that I have gotten here is the freezer."

"They love you Anna." He pointed out to her.

"They have an odd way of showing it." She retorted back.

"But they do love you it's just that this has been hard on everyone and no one know how to deal with it." Dante answered her.

"Yeah well it's not just tough on you boys, he was my dad too you know. They are upset over the fact that I took off from Philadelphia and never came back. That I live on the west coast now. No one likes the fact that I was in the process of divorcing my husband either." Anna still had her arms folded across her chest.

"I know Anna that is just not something that you do, you know that as well as I do, it's not the way that we were brought up. Marriage is something that you just don't give up on like that." He said trying to be rational with her.

"There's a lot that you and my other brother's don't know about, that everyone turned a blind eye too. I believe in marriage and riding it out, but there's something that is more important to me than even that." Anna said wishing she could get them to understand that she didn't do what she did just on a whim.

"What's that Anna, what could have been more important?" He sounded so honest and naïve in asking her that question.

"Life, life is more important than marriage Dante. You have turned into a wonder young man, and I'm very proud that you are my brother, but I also know that what I went through you would never do to another person in your life, nor if you had seen it, you wouldn't have tolerated it." Anna said as she tried desperately to defend her actions with her family. "He hit me Dante, the man who claimed to love me, smacked me around like I was nothing more than a rag doll. That's not love and with some serious convincing I knew that I couldn't' stay in that."

"Are you serious about that Anna?" He asked her.

"Dante, do I look like I am joking?" Anna asked him with a stone face.

"No you don't," he said giving her the once over, it was the tone of his sister's voice that was the dead give away that she wasn't giving him the run around. "I can't believe that he would do that to you."

"Well believe it because he did." Anna said, "I have never lied in my life. I covered up what he did because I feared the repercussions of coming out in the open with it. I wasn't proud of it, and I was never proud of divorcing him either or trying to, he died before the divorce was ever finalized."

"So then technically you are a widow."

"Oh a technicality is going to earn me the good graces of this family then?" There was much more sarcasm in her voice than what she meant to have with him.

"In a round about way." He replied back ignoring it.

"I don't want it, if that's what it takes to remain a treasured member of this family, a family that I was devastated that I wasn't going to be able to see while I was hiding from him, so that I wouldn't end up dead, so that he wouldn't use you to get to me, it's not worth it." Anna knew she was being rather cold but right now that didn't matter to her, she shouldn't have to explain this to them, as her family they should have openly accepted her for who she was not what she had done.

"You don't mean that do you Anna?"

She turned her back to him now, mostly so that he couldn't see the tears that were about to fall from her eyes, "my family means the world to me, you always have but I shouldn't have to defend this to anyone. I'm an adult and what I do with my life, where I chose to live, who I chose to stay married to or whom I chose to divorce shouldn't affect the way that anyone sees me, but yet it has hasn't it?"

"Anna." He said putting his hand upon her shoulder, "you're my sister and I love you no matter what."

"You are probably the only one who does." Anna said, "I'm sorry Dante, but I can't stay around this any longer. I love you and I love the rest of my brothers, but I have a life to lead too. And if no one agrees with my decisions then so be it. I'm done fighting."

"Dante, Aunt Tessa is looking for you." Anna heard Michael's voice and she didn't even think about turning around.

"I'm coming." He said in a much softer voice. "I love you too Anna." That was the last thing that he said to her, and when Anna turned around the only one standing there was Michael giving her an evil glare.

She fought to roll her eyes at him, surprised that he even said anything. "That was a nice thing that you said about dad today Anna thank you."

She didn't know what to say, "you're welcome. I suppose that you want me to go now." Her voice had chilliness to it that she seldom ever used, not with any of her brother's at least she used to never use it.

"That might be for the best." He said.

"How did I know that's what you wanted?" Anna only have asked she didn't expect any form of an answer from him.

"Because you always do." He said, "you should stop filling his head with lies Anna. Own up to the fact that you did what you did because you wanted to."

"You think what you want Michael, you always have and you always will." Anna said quieter now, "if you don't want to see the reasons behind my actions that's fine you never will understand what it was like and I pray to god you never have to live with that kind of fear." She started to walk down the hallway. "Give mother my love and tell her that I will call her when things settle down, that is if you don't mind me talking to her, or would you rather I just simply fall off the face of the earth, would that suit you?"

"You can do what you want Anna." He said, "that's your decision, just like all the rest were you're decisions."

"Yeah Michael." With that she continued her way down the hallway and silently she left the house, bidding a silent goodbye to the place where she grew up, the place that would always be, yet never be again home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

_Chicago:_

"Hey there how was the flight?" Carter asked with a smile when I saw Anna coming down the ramp towards the baggage area at the airport.

"Short, horrible, didn't get my peanuts." She said as her eyes lit up when she saw Carter standing there waiting for her. "Where's Abby, I thought that you both were going to be here?"

"She got stuck at work." Carter said, "joys of being a medical student compared to an attending. She'll meet us back at the mansion." Carter took her bag from her being the gentleman that he was, "I'm so sorry to hear about your dad Anna."

"Thank Carter," She said, "I wish that I could stay longer here and catch up with you and Abby but I only have a couple of days of leave left."

"Make it sound like you are in the military there Anna." He said, "work that horrible?"

"Hell yeah." Anna said with a smile, "come on I work for Doug Ross now, you don't think that's not horrible punishment."

"I could think of worse. She's short, red haired…"

Anna cut him off before he could finish, "ah the Weaver Era." She had to laugh, "better you than me that's all I have to say about that. No it's all good in Seattle. I have a boss that I know, one that I can work with rather than against all the time, life up until a few days ago was pretty good, oh who am I kidding, everything else beside the point life is good."

"Glad to hear you say that." Carter replied back to her as they walked along towards his car. "It's good to see you again."

"Okay are you sick?" She asked jokingly. "I mean I know that you've been working hard but have you come down with some kind of brain attacking flu that I don't know about, please good to see me."

"You never lost that sense of humor of yours I see." Carter said, he could easily banter back and forth with Anna, she had a sense of humor and the jokes seem to at times just roll with ease between them, "you should check your Annals more often I think Abby wrote that case up last week to be published, Chicago doctor with deranged flu."

"Should make interesting reading especially if you are the star doctor."

Carter just shook his head, "you hungry or can you wait until Abby gets off work?"

"Okay I think I can wait until Abby gets off work, unless that's not until the wee hours of the morning and then I might just have to eat my own arm." Anna said as she poked Carter in the ribs.

"Okay I got you." He said smiling.

"How about we get some coffee and talk about old times while we wait for her, okay maybe not talk about old times, but we do have a little bit of catching up to do and I have new pictures of Tess and Kate." Anna smiled at that. "Boy I never thought that I would miss too little girls as much as I miss them."

"Grown rather attached to them?" Carter asked.

"How could I not." Anna said as she watched Carter open the jeep door for her, "they are just the most adorable kids that I have ever met and they call me Auntie Anna." She smiled at that one, "Doug and Carol are great and they have made the transition in Seattle so much easier, they are like family to me.

Carter got in before saying anything else to Anna, "I'm glad that you have Doug and Carol there for you."

"Yeah so am I." Anna said, "I spend a lot of time with them, well that and I help them out with the girls when Doug and I aren't working the same shift, which is not all that often. He took that new physician on the block thing a little far in assigning me nights but then found it weird when I didn't want to give them up, now I have to fight to get days."

"Ah you'll have seniority pretty soon there dear." Carter said joking with her, "vampire hours suit you though."

"Ha, ha." Anna laughed back. "I have just started to think that I need to start getting my life back on track."

"Oh," Carter's eyes lit up when she said that as he glanced over at her quickly before getting them out of the parking garage and back headed towards the heart of Chicago.

"Oh don't make that sound and don't light up those eyes of yours. Stop thinking that Carter, I know what you are thinking we are too good of friends for me not to know." She said back to him.

"And just what am I thinking there Anna."

She had to laugh before she answered him, "oh I think that you are thinking that you think…"

Carter cut her off this time, "oh enough with the double speak." He said concentrating on traffic while he talked with her. "you have no idea what I am thinking."

"That I found someone." She said with a smile.

"Well yeah that is what I was thinking." Carter said as he gave another quick glance her direction, "I'm wrong huh."

She was silent for a minute before she laughed nervously, "and if there is someone, what are you going to think? That I am rushing things, or that perhaps I have fallen off my rocker."

Carter pulled into the parking lot of Starbucks so that they could have coffee as they headed inside, "the answer to both those questions would be no." He said looking over at her as they got coffee and found a place to sit, "I wouldn't say rushing things, what it's been a year?"

"Something like that." Anna said as she sipped at the coffee that was in front of her. "It's been about a year since the car accident." She titled her head to the side, "since I came rolling back into the ER at County."

"Yeah and turned life upside down, turned me into some weird Bond type guy." He said to Anna with a small smile.

"Oh but you do that so well." Anna said, "you pulled that one off so well. The end was happy so I guess that is all that really matters right?"

"Always looking on the bright side." Carter said, "so tell me about this new man in your life."

"You were never the gossip kind." Anna said looking over at him, "why should I start feeding it to you now?"

"Because I'm your friend." He smiled at her, "that and inquiring minds want to know."

"Oh, well that changes everything then," she laughed, "what is it that you think that I am going to tell you about this guy."

"Well you know everything about Abby, so why can't I know everything about this mystery man?"

"There's not that much to know about him really." Anna said looking over at Carter again.

"Does this man have a name?" Carter asked poking Anna for information on this new mysterious man in her life.

"Yes he has a name." Anna said, "Keith." She said with a smile now, "Keith McNeal, he's a computer expert of sorts, does graphics design for web pages and the likes."

"How did you meet a computer geek?" Carter asked again hoping for more information out of her.

"Well I don't see him as a computer geek." Anna said looking at him with a weird look on her face. "He's really not a computer geek."

"He works with computer's Anna; therefore he's a computer geek."

"I work with a computer does that make me a computer geek?" She asked back.

"No well that doesn't make you a computer geek, but you don't technically make a living working with computers." Carter pointed out, "there is a difference, but how did you meet him?"

"Now you are getting personal," Anna said, "I met him at the hospital."

"A computer geek that works at the hospital."

"Would you stop calling him a computer geek please?" Anna said looking at him, "there is more to him than just his work with the computer. He's also a paramedic, and that is how I met him."

"Oh a man of multiple talents." Carter was having fun poking at her a little now.

"Yeah well what can I say, fixes web pages by day and saves lives by night," Anna said giving him that odd look once again. "You are nosey there dear Carter."

"Yeah well someone has to be, Doug hasn't mentioned anything about this man."

"Well I haven't seen a reason to take him home to meet the family yet." Anna said with a sarcastic laugh.

"Home to meet the family." Carter had to laugh back at her now. "that's one way to look at it, rather different I would say. What are you afraid that Doug won't like him?"

"Well you could say that he might not like him, but I mean why should I subject Keith to Doug." Anna said, "come on you are both like brother's to me and well I can't have you all scaring off potential boyfriends until I'm sure that it's going to work."

"Rather secretive of you." Carter said, "Abby will be off in about a half hour if you want to swing by County and pick her up."

"Only if you are sure that you are not going to get sucked into the ER vortex that lives there and have to work."

"Ahh, you know what they say, the longer you stay, the longer you stay." Carter shrugged his shoulders, "nope, you're in town and everyone knows it so there's no way that anyone is going to ask me to cover for them while you're here. I've done my time today I think it's safe."

"Famous last words." Anna said as she stood up from the table. "Yeah let's go and get her, rescue her from the despair that we call work."

"You're on." Carter said as they left the coffee house for County. It was nice to have her back in town even if the circumstances for her trip weren't the best; it was still good to see her face.


End file.
